When Your Enemy's Name is on the Door Next to Yours

“ I don’t want to be in the same room with him!”

“I can’t stand his guts!”

“The sight of her just infuriates me!”

These are common feelings of co-owners in difficult conflicts. The trauma of the dispute has activated the fear response system of the brain. Consequently, the mere presence of the adverse party triggers an immediate hostile response. For this reason, many mediators will keep the owners separate in a process known as caucusing. By keeping the owners apart, emotional volatility can be controlled. Recently, however, I learned again the importance of the need of adversaries to face each other.

This partnership conflict was particularly intractable. The owners had attempted and broken off settlement discussions four times, and they had attempted two mediations with a retired judge, both of which had failed. To make matters worse, they were represented by lawyers who did not get along which each other professionally.

The process started with separate meetings. First, I would work with one owner, then the next in sequential meetings. This went on for two days, with the length of the days usually stretching into the late evening. On the morning of the third day, I decided that the owners had to meet face to face without their lawyers being present. These people were highly sophisticated businesspeople with substantial financial resources behind them. I therefore was not worried that one might overpower the other. Surprisingly, the lawyers did not object to my suggestion, and the parties seemed to welcome it.

When we met, I established my usual ground rules and proposed an interest-based process. I explained that I wanted to take some time to explore and uncover each owner ’s interests, then develop options to satisfy those interests, then discuss possible strategies that could lead to an acceptable agreement. After some questions to clarify what I intended, they agreed.

That morning was spent identifying specific interests that had to be satisfied in order for the conflict to be resolved. As the owners began to understand how the process worked, the intense hostility and anger of the previous two days began to dissipate. I was amazed to witness how in a few hours these business partners that had been so polarized were actually beginning to collaborate on trying understand each other. By the end of the day, they saw that the conflict could be settled in a way that they could not have conceived of 24 hours earlier. Five more days of intense discussions were necessary before all the details of this complex problem were worked out, but a remarkable settlement to a bitter 20 year dispute was reached.

The key to facing one’s adversary, especially one whose name is on the dorr next to yours, seems to be safety and security. In an unstructured meeting, owners tend not to listen, react quickly to perceived assaults on positions, and filter out valuable information. My presence changes this interaction. First, by establishing ground rules and a defined process, I provide a space where people can talk without fear of attack. I diligently protect the space so that no one feels threatened. Second, I slow down the communication process by requiring one person to speak at a time and by asking mindful questions to draw out nuances the parties might otherwise miss. You have probably noticed how fast arguments seem to go. If people are forced to be deliberate and are forced to listen without immediately responding, they can more easily override their anger. Third, I focus the discussion on interests, not positions or people. By containing the discussion to specific boundaries, I do not allow people to leave the task at hand and drift into positional bargaining or personal attack. In addition, frustration at not being able to make progress is reduced or eliminated. Finally, I constantly monitors the emotional temperature of the meeting. Short breaks can be taken or some humor can be interjected into the process to lighten things up a little. All of these techniques create a safe and secure place for adversaries to face each other, listen to each other, and learn.

When bitter adversaries are actually able to face each other and begin to listen, they start to learn about their commonality. Somehow, they transform their thinking from a competitive adversarial process to a cooperative collaborative process. This transformation may occur in an hour or it may take days. However long it takes, having principals talking directly to each other is often the only way a difficult conflict can be ended.

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